This is John Martin, bringing you breaking news live from London.
The story is simply sensational and has been confirmed by a number of impeccable sources.
This very morning I went to attend my first session of GLT (Graded Laughter Therapy) at a clinic in North West London.
The clinic was only built after Dr Speedy had secured a multi-million pound investment from the British government for his brand of CBT (Cool Blogging Therapy).
Dr Speedy had insisted his graded laughter therapy should only be administered by specially trained clowns and spent a small fortune ensuring all the clowns had state of the art digital magic wands.
As I struggled to find the clinic I met a lovely old neighbour of mine I had last seen almost 20 years when I was a student in London.
"Oh my goodness it's you John Martin" said Elsie, who must be over 80 now "you're looking well John" she added.
"It's fantastic to see you again Elsie" I said "but looks can be deceptive, I'm actually looking for the ME clinic."
A worried look came over Elsie’s face "I'm sorry to hear you've got ME" she said "but be careful John" she added "there's a dark side to those clowns. Those clowns are not to be trusted."
"Oh for goodness sake Elsie" I said "What can be less harmful than laughter? And anyway I completely trust Dr Speedy."
"All the trouble" said Elsie "started after Dr Speedy left his circus to go and live abroad. Speedy was a good man and well loved by all his patients. The circus was fine when Dr Speedy ran it.
Unfortunately after he left the clowns took over the circus. I'm 83 years old John so heed these words well, never trust a clown with a magic wand."
"So what happened Elsie?" I asked.
"Dr Speedy always had a rival," said Elsie "but he wasn't a real doctor at all. He was an evil little fella with three eyes.
He had two eyes in one his faces and only one eye in the other. He hated the fact that Dr Speedy was well loved by his patients and could make the world laugh.
As soon as Dr Speedy left the country he worked his way into the clinics and turned the clowns against the ME patients.
He sought his revenge on Dr Speedy by making his beloved patients exercise till they collapsed."
"How did he get away with it?" I asked.
"Two faced little fellas can be quite cunning" said Elsie "just ask any psychiatrist. What he did was just keep all the terms Dr Speedy used but perverted them to his own ends."
"What do you mean Elsie?" I asked.
"Well John you know Cool Blogging Therapy-CBT? Well the two faced little fella claims to use CBT as well. Except he doesn't.
He actually uses Cognitive Behavioural Therapy."
"Don't be ridiculous Elsie" I said. I feared she may be suffering from dementia.
"Same with Graded Laughter Therapy" said Elsie "the little fella just added a couple of horizontal lines to the letter L to turn it into an E"
"What the hell is GET?" I asked.
"Graded Exercise Therapy" said Elsie, "I told you they'll have you on a bloody treadmill."
I could see there was a real sadness in Elsie's eyes as if something she really cared about had been lost. Something special.
"Are you ok Elsie?" I asked.
"John" she said "I was born in London. I live in London and I'll die in London.
It's the greatest city in the world. I lost 2 brothers in the Second World War fighting to stop the country I love being taken over by nut cases.
I've seen some terrible things in my life but I never thought I'd see the day the clowns would take over the circus."
I felt I had to quickly change the subject it was just too painful to see.
"How old will your grandson be now?" I asked. Suddenly her face lit up.
"David was 28 this year" she said "He's an artist and has just had a piece of his work put on display at the Tate Modern in London.
"You must be so proud" I said.
“I am John. Do you know what David said to me the other day? He said Tracey Emin is nothing compared to Jodi Bassett. You know, that Australian Hummingbird lady."
"She must be good," I said, ”I really like Tracey Emin."
"Apparently" said Elsie "Her work Why 'CFS' is a wastebasket diagnosis, is regarded as a modern classic."
2 comments:
Dr S,
You should charge for this site. More fun and better value than the cinema,
thanks for quality programme making,
A.S
Dr Speedy,
I am an art historian and critic. I particularly like the way Miss Bassett has made the wastebasket start to gently rock towards the end of her video installation.
It's almost as if she is saying there is so much rubbish in this particular basket the whole thing seems to be on the point of collapsing.
An interesting and challenging piece of work from one of Australia's leading artists.
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